In Phoenix

Last night I realised a lot, although the one thing that stood out in front of the rest, was how restricted I feel. The weekend that has just passed exemplified this perfectly considering I had almost everyone telling me how to feel or react. Apparently I am not mature or intelligent enough to decide who I should and shouldn't have relations with, reguardless of my feelings. According to others I should be astounded at the fact numerous things were stolen from my party. The fact is I expected it. Never have I once expected common decency from those around me because of past experiences, so why should I all of a sudden assume that people will treat me with the same respect that I treat them.. I mean it's never been like that for me before. Don't get me wrong, it's utterly disgusting how some people treat me, but I am aware of it and know how to handle myself. I'm always second guessed, yet the return of the items looks promising and all thanks to the one person everyone questioned me about. It's time for everyone else to start worrying about themselves, and perhaps attempt to hold some faith within my judgement. I am beginning questioning how much more I can bare of the condescending glances and interrogating manners of those who I hold close.

My all time low

After anticipation consumed me, the night I thought would be memorable, was in fact that, but for all the wrong reasons. I genuinely havent been more happy to see the majority of my friends all in the same place and the vodka went down with great ease, pity I came to the biggest realisation of this year.. I oblivious to the majority of things around me and people's characters. The thought of having someone genuinely appreciate and return the adoration I feel towards them, scares me. It's sad that I expect nothing more than to be fucked over. Apparently electronics and frozen goods are both ideal items to thieve at a house party. I'm yet to find any justification for their acts, probably because there isn't one. Nothing more than a night gone wrong.

The consonant

The letter "J" has impacted tonight more than I suspected any letter ever could.

First of all, a boy of a name that begins with "J", is now the reason for this confused mind state I am left in. I loathe every dimension of his personality, but without fail I break downwithout any real justification for my tears every time I see him. He played the game better than all the rest that he followed, and somehow managed to take my heart and utterly destroy it.. hurting it in everyway he knew possible, yet wore the facade of the naive heartbreak. He wiped every tear that stained the pillows, yet then became the reason for them. I hate the fact I cannot hate him.

Secondly, my saviour of tonight was a girl whose name started with a "J". Yet again she astonished me with her angelic manner in the way she wiped away every tear I shed without even being in the room. I'm unsure how I would ever manage without her, or how I ever have in the past. Without her, I know for a fact I would be spending the rest of tonight questioning every action I have ever made. I truly love her, and will be forever grateful to have had her in my life.

Darling

Realistically, I have never been one who desires materialistic objects, instead I would rather just admire them whilst watching Christian Lacroix or Oscar De Larenta fashion shows on my television at home. Although, there was one item that has always taken my fancy in the Myer makeup and fragrance department, and it was a little bottle labelled "Miss Dior Cherie". Of course I never purchased it considering I didnt have a couple hundred dollars to throw around. After almost a year of admiring the perfume and seeing advertisements for the fragrance, today my mother dearest informed me that she had bought some early birthday presents that she was willing to give me before my actual birthday. To my suprise, she had actually gone out and bought the perfume for me, and I must admit I have never felt such excitement over seeing a glass bottle filled with liquid since I saw my first Effen bottle of imported Vodka.. I guess the moral of my time consuming story is, that if you dream upon enough stars and make countless wishes on 11:11, your wish will come true, either that, or if you imply enough, just how much you crave something for a gift around the time of your birthday. I would much rather remain naive and hope that it was all my wishing, and mother's kindness that is to blame for my new perfume.

Seven days

It's hard to believe there is only one week until my 16th birthday celebrations, even though my actual birthday is two days before hand.. I suppose it wouldn't be appropriate to get wasted on Wednesday night anyways. The list of people coming has tripled within a week and the pressure is now starting to kick in. But then I had a thought, why even bother wasting my days worrying whether it will turn out well or not, I mean nobody really remembers parties when they drink enough. All you're really left with is vague flashbacks and photographs which help trigger you to remember certain events, but in all reality.. I cannot remember one really good party where I remembered the whole thing. Another downside is, I won't even remember my own sweet sixteenth.. thanks to my love affair with vodka. It will hopefully be worth it though considering I will be able to spend time with some amazing people, whilst dancing to good music. Althoiugh it confuses me as to why I am putting in so much effort, money and time into throwing a decent party when everyone is there to just drink and dance, and won't even recall the night properly.
Party like a rockstar, and look like a movie star xo

Hearts don't break

But they do sometimes refuse to pulse the blood through the arteries, and when that happens it leads to yet another hospital visit. It gets harder everytime seeing a relative you care about hooked up to machines which display their pulse and breathing rhythm.. almost makes him look unhuman with that many tubes attached to his frail structure. His diet is strict and he is unable to move, every one seems externally optimstic, but I can tell they're all genuinely fretting his departure. Apparently a triple bypass is required, either that or they will insert a pace maker into his delicate cage of bones. I make sure everytime I see him I let him know how much he truly does mean to me, considering I never want to lose another soul without a goodbye.

Sleep deprived

For the first time in ages.. I truly don't know what will come next. It seems like everyone around me is aware of the fact I am in way over my head. In a city of such wonder I refuse to be sucked in. One night of sin has never hurt anybody. I know from an outside perspective I seem to be clueless on which paths I intend to cross in my life, but which ever path I do encounter, I swear to tread with careful footsteps. It seems as if everyone within my life wants to second guess my actions and attitude, as if I am naive to my surroundings. I am well aware of every movement I make, and I am sick of having to reassure everyone to trust me in the fact I know what I am doing. I am holding out for the day when I can leave this town behind and prove them all wrong, well in the meantime at least I have Mourning Tide playing,
cigarettes vodka, 39'er and jessica to keep me sane.

Good girls never stay that way

Some people are under the impression that money truly does make the world go around, and although I do believe that statement holds a liable amount of validity.. imagine what a life without the worries of money would be like. Of course economically my theory would not stand a chance and the world would be sent into a state of hysteria.. but imagine if people were not so consumed by capitalism. Business men would transform into more doting fathers who would be able to attend their child's birthdays and be able to help their son or daughter's homework. The upper class society would fall to the grounds of equality with everyone else, and I assume a sense of understanding would follow. People would not just been seen as bank accounts, people could not be used for their materialistic assests and the term 'gold digger' would be unheard of. Perhaps I could be considered naive or ignorant to believe all of this, but I really don't care.. I will forever dream of a better world, no matter how outrageous it may seem to others.. Like Marilyn Monroe once said: "I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful"

My Tuesday Night

Tonight is beginning to make me scare even myself, as I find myself compelled to genuinely be jealous about all the girls whose eyes are able to be laid upon the boy who I am interested in tonight, whilst he is out at the usual bar.. Jealousy is a new thing for me, and I am not sure how to deal with it. So in my attempt to slow down my mind from going a million miles an hour, I watched another episode of America's Next Top Model and painted my nails a custom baby pink. I have this eerie feeling that everything is going too well for things to remain this way I mean the health in question of those around has improved, I am closer than ever to those who mean the most to me and I have stumbled across perfection. Never wake me up please..

Goodbye

You took my heart and you left me open, just give it back to me. You felt as though I would always be there, no matter what you did. Now my world is falling, now the truth starts forming. I will always love you, but I don't need you. In pictures you're perfect, in real life you fucked me around. If I was your first love then why'd you keep letting me down? You came and took the only the thing I had inside of me, that was left of me. There is nothing that I regret more, then ever loving you, then every holding you. Your emp

Publish Post

ty words match your empty heart..
Her Last Song - S.A.H

To the writer of this song, this post isn't directed at you even in the slightest, even though your actions towards me proved to be heartless and exemplified your complete lack of common decency.. but somehow these lyrics you wrote for have seemed to reach perfect symmetry with how I have been feeling about my ex, b.m.g. No person has ever come closer to my heart, nor has one person ever let me down so much.. this is not a public display of my disappointment or heartbreak, because it is physically impossible for a heart to ever break. Although this is a goodbye.

When the rain falls..

Once the rain begins to descend upon the pavement, the streets are then littered with the common business man or woman with an umbrella.. After spending another casual Sunday afternoon listening to my ipod on shuffle, I came across two songs on my mp3 player, whose lyrics depicted an umbrella and how it somehow came into holding significance in a relationship. The two songs I am referring to are "Umbrella" by Rihanna and "Forget About the Forecast" by The Arrival. Both songs basically imply for their significant other to come under their umbrella, as if it gives them some sense of security, although when used in real life context it does depict a grim sight. About two years ago, I was innocently going about my business and walking in the rain, amongst the cold city sights in hope of reaching a coffee shop of some sorts. Eventually, the sound of mugs and glasses clinking against each other became audible. Just as I was close to crossing the final zebra striped piece of pavement, a middle aged man turned and looked at me. With a self righteous smirk smeared across his face, he gained the audacity to look me straight in the eye and say "Hey baby, you look cold.. I could be your umbrella." Never have I felt so disgusted and speechless, thankfully the lights turned green and I was able to make a quick escape. I suppose the moral of this story, is that no matter how good a lyric sounds as a pick up line never use it, especially if you're a middle aged man...