Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Ever had one of those days that makes you change your perspective of your surroundings? Well today was one of those days for me. After promising myself I would never let another human being near my heart until I was confident in their intentions, I fell for the European. To abbreviate the scenario a heart was broken and it wasn't his. My naivety had gotten the best of me and today my eyes were opened to his mastered charm which he seemed to cast not just over me. Tears were shed and cigarettes were chain smoked, until I confided in my friend. The one girl able to make sense of this dillusional town, soldiered in a battle that was not hers, all in effort to clear my name and hush my tears. I've found a beauty that is incapable of fading or faltering. With no hesitation, I can say I would take a bullet for her. The European may have stole my smile but my angel returned it safely to me. I love you Elisabeth May Roeland <3
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Another morning welcomed by the dense air that is more familiar to Summer, not Spring, and nothing has changed in the city. Apart from the forecast everything else here reads the same. The streets are still littered with foreigners and the homeless, the trains leak noises of danger, the stars are dim amongst the black sheets of pollution at night and everyone maintains their synchronized mentalities. Still yet to experience the kiss of snow, the feeling of total independance and learn the charm of romance. Winter is gone and yet this town mirrors the way it has been every season before. Heaven seems further away then ever, almost as if I am drowning in this city. I need saving, S.O.S.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
During my nightly encounters with foreigner conversation a boy asked me "Have you ever been in love?" With every question that came before it I was able to respond with a sense of confidence and self assurance in my answer, but for some reason my mind tripped over such a questioning riddle. How is someone to know if they are in love or not, considering there is no physical evidence or subliminal message given. No sign from the heavens or memo received informing them that what their feeling is in fact love. But what happens when one thinks they are in love, and is able to hand over the charming three magic words to their significant other, but once their relationship has disintergrated, their feelings follow and then are left with a completely different outlook of their former love. Or perhaps I question it all due to the fact I perhaps have never properly experienced in being in love. My Southern Californian companion never received an answer to his question, although my heart was exhausted from questioning every feeling it had once felt.
photo credit: alma gerbavec
Monday, September 14, 2009
Somedays I wish I had a mask, one that resembled something captivating. Something utterly magical. Something that completely masked all my vulnerability and flaws. Everytime I glance into a mirror, I seem to always question if I could've done better, not with my appearance but within myself .Every stroke of bad luck leads me to question whether I in fact deserved it and it was just karma retaliating at my previous mistakes. And if so, then if I was to break someone's heart does that then leave me vulnerable to karma leaving me with the exact same fracture? Maybe I don't need to find a companion and perhaps I am better off remaining alone even if it does leave me feeling completely bare. I'm forever wondering if revealing my true nature is in the best interest, for not only myself, but those around me and whether this exposure will come into fashion.
A European boy kept me company on Friday night and while he drank wine and I stuck to my Russian vodka, I smiled for the first time that week. I remember the next night I drank liquor in a beautiful garden along the riverside and watched F1-11's fly aimlessly above me. The people around me were those I loved and I was all liquored up, nothing more was needed. I remember telling him "Shut up and hold me," as if I have to force romance upon myself considering it has gone out of fashion. I hate when trends come in and out, especially when romance is one of them.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I refuse to ever dim my lights down for you sweetheart, now if only I could find my way. I mean if the ability to move mountains is unattainable then why does my conscience crave such a thing? The echoes in my mind beg to allude to something greater although I fear that in the end I will disappoint myself. The seduction of a dream is what captivates, yet the struggle to with old the aspiration teases my naive maze of thoughts. My hands are well on their way to grasping this future investment, yet something is holding me back. This civil war within me does not want to cease, as if I enjoy taunting myself. If I could predict this persuit's forecast like any other weather man, I could only imagine it riddled with disappointment, tears and blood shed, with a chance of heart break. Perhaps that is what has me tied down here. To this city. To these faces. To my routine. With each fleeting season, my fear that it will all end manifests. These words seem to escape me, without a hint of sanity. If I am so sure of where I am supposed to end up, why am I stopping myself from reaching my destination ? Perhaps I am my own worst enemy.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
It's sad that I am of the age of only sixteen, yet I am well aware of how fleeting genuine happiness is. After a discussion with a paticular lady who has a large impact in my life, I realised I am not alone in this boat. People these days seem to take advantage of the values of genuine kindness. Butterflies still flutter amongst my insides occasionally, but I have noticed their wings don't hold any inner strength. My smile still appears, but refuses to last the length the time. I'm not unaware of the fact that all good things must in fact come to an end, but why so soon. The life of an angel in my life was taken so soon, the one person I imagined loving had a change of heart, I settled into my situated lifestyle yet was uprooted and reloacted to a smaller town with a duller view. If this life is all we have got, then why must everything appreciative come to an end? Love should have no limits nor boundaries of time or space, excitement would be better if it were able to captured in a little glass bottle to admire and experience forever. I suppose these feelings are so fleeting so we are almost forced to appreciate them even more. And to those who call myself cynical, I would rather be known as the girl who was in fact in touch with reality.
Monday, September 7, 2009
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.
It was around 11pm and I was heavily intoxicated standing in the middle of the street and I was told "I love you." Sorry darling but if you consider 5 months of endless fights, deception and mistreatment, love then you're greatly mistaken. To take someone's heart and completely destroy any remaining hope, is not love. I refuse to make this a genuine heart felt piece of text, considering you frankly don't deserve heart felt after your actions. I am sorry for ever loving such a heartless soul.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sometime late afternoon yesterday I missed a call from an old friend, someone whom has never once me called in the past. After redialling my number again I picked up with a cigarette consuming my other grasp. I will admit, hearing his voice brought back uncomfortable memories of substance abuse and inner-confliction, but then he managed to construe his words in such a way that it seemed as if I had just met this friend. He proceeded to compliment me without any sexual or objectifying undertones, and then told me that he had faith in me. I've never been overly religious nor spiritual but to hear that someone genuinely believed in me honestly took my breath away. The words may be simple, yes that is true, but in a day and age where faith seems lost. Not just the generalised religious kind, but the hope that everything will turn for the better and to withold faith in yourself is a powerful thing. Never after hanging up on a phone call have I felt so structured yet speechless.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
For the first time in perhaps my whole life, I have felt secure in my surroundings. In an vessel places upon the corner of busy streets, assumed to be renovated by a couple of money hungry bastards, I found my safety. When I was forced to sit face to face with the one female I utterly despise for her pitiful actions, I remained unusually calm. I attempted no sarcastic remarks nor any dirty glances, because for the first time I felt no need. Never has such a foreign kiss tasted so sweet, and I would be in denial if I claimed my heart had placed no investment into this ideal future. If I was to take such a figure, in any circumstance, I know that no matter what I would feel entirely secure. I feel for the first time I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Within this vessel I feel no stretch in attempting to be myself, but instead I feel utterly content with being vulnerable. And for the first time I know for a matter of fact, I have found something worth keeping.